Why can't I be me?


     Man... if I haven't asked myself this question a number of times.. many
many times.. it just seems to be always on my list of questions that I keep
asking.  Why can't I be me?  I just keep asking it.. I mean.. it's a real
confusing puzzle, ain't it.. just.. well.. somethin we all struggle with.  I
mean.. one would assume that if there truly is a God, He would want us to be
ourselves, right?  Well.. let's take a little look at this question.. cuz
God showed me somethin about it that is.. well.. rather intriguing.. and
rather eye-opening.
     All of us want to be ourselves.. it's a given that we want to be
accepted for who we are, and allowed to be what God made us to be.  There is
one slight problem.. God made us not to be who we are, but who we are going
to be.  And this is the controversy that strikes us at the heart.  
     A lot of us want to be loved for who we are.  We want to be accepted..
and not have to change ourselves in order to be loved.  Unfortunately, this
little idea of "not having to change" in order to be loved has a slight
tinge of sin attached to it.  See... since we are creations of God.. one
might assume that God made us and then was finished with us.  But as you may
know from reading the Bible, there are quite a few Scriptures which focus on
the fact that our lives are not to be stagnant.
     Ok.. now.. maybe you may be saying, "I don't wanna be stagnant.. I just
wanna be me."  There is one problem with this.  And this is the problem I
find myself having to deal with daily.
     When I was growing up.. I loved my mother far more than my father --
why? you may ask.. well.. because she accepted me.. and my father didn't.
She let me be me.. and she loved me as I was.. whereas my father was
constantly on me to change.. to be a person different from who I was.  Now..
I'm not saying that all the things he did were good or were bad.. but I am
saying that.. I found a lot of comfort in the fact that I was.. seemingly..
"allowed to be me" by my mom.. and not my dad.
     So.. what does it mean.. to be yourself?  This is a question that I'll
bet many people deal with.. but really don't analyze much.  We often feel
that we can or can't be ourselves around ppl.. that we have to put on a
facade to be loved by one person.. or that we can forget all fronts around
another.  But is there more to this question than just facades?
     I say there is.  You see.. from the moment we are born.. we are put
into a lifestyle of growth.  We must grow in order to become who we are
meant to be.  Now.. this growth.. though many may believe it comes to a
culmination point.. simply does not -- especially in the case of those who
realize their true identity and come to Christ.  For when He takes up
residence in our hearts, we become an entirely new person.  Yet.. as the
verse says, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete
it..."  See.. the good work isn't finished yet.  Even if we are 75 years old
and have lived most of our adult lives in His service.. God is still
changing us to make us into whom He wants us to be.
     So what?  I mean.. this seems purty self-evident knowledge.. right?
After all.. none of us wants to stay the same person we were 2 years ago..
right?  We all want to become better people -- more successful.. more able..
more good.. right?  Unfortunately.. though this may be the case with our
spiritual selves.. and even a partial mentality for those who have not yet
found Christ.. the fact remains.. none of us wants to change entirely.
     And who could blame us?  I mean.. think about it.. why would we want to
change our love of baseball to a love for sewage treatment?  But the problem
runs a lot deeper.  
     You see... one of the greatest problems in the U.S... if not in the
world, rests with the difficulty of taking criticism.  I know I have often
strayed from God for the simple reason that I was afraid from taking His
chastening for what I was doing with my life.  I knew I was imperfect.. and
wasn't interested in being "pruned" as it were.
     And this is how we all are.  We want our lives to be filled with
peace.. to be filled with joy.. to be filled with laughter.. but.. this
existence requires something more of us than to get it all handed to us on a
silver platter.  God has created us in this fashion for some reason.. and..
by His purpose, He desires to fashion us bit by bit into His masterpieces.
For some eternal reason I don't yet understand, God has chosen to work with
unfinished products.. and turn them into finished ones.  Why?  Who knows..
but He has.  And it's gotta be for the best, or God wouldn't be doing it.
     But back to criticism.  Why does it have to hurt so much?  I know that
for me.. I find it really tough to handle at times basically because of a
very simple truth -- that which the world has supplied.
     The world has often shied away from saying we should be critical of
others.. yet.. via the means of various peer groups and such.. we find
ourselves under *constant* criticism.. having to measure up to all these
other ppl's ideas of what is right and wrong.. who we have to be, and so
forth.  It's a veritable menage of critics out there.. judging us for what
they see in us.. and what is really worthwhile vs. what needs to be trashed.
     But who are they to judge?  I mean.. they are just fellow human beings
right?  Who are they to tell us how we should and shouldn't be?  Well.. this
truth has a lot of creedence.. I mean.. there are a lot of self-proclaimed
experts on humanity out there who say we should be like this or like that..
when in reality.. those experts are so misguided in their efforts that they,
themselves, are the ones most in need of change.
     So here we are.. amidst tons of critical eyes.. sick and tired of all
the judging that is going on.  It's no wonder we don't want to be
criticized.. we hate it.. we can't stand to have another eye say that this
or that needs a slight enhancement.  We would rather just say, "well... I'm
me.. and that's that.  I don't care what you think.. I love me as I am.. "
or more likely, "my friends accept me for me.. why can't you?"  We are so
sick of taking the world's criticism that we seem to welcome each next
judging remark with a nice round of fisticuffs.
     But is this the answer?  Unfortunately.. it isn't.  Though it seems so
easy to listen to the voice inside that says, "I wanna be me.. just let me
be me.."  we need to realize one very important thing -- and that is, the
fact of our sin nature.
     I am convinced that part of our sin nature is the desire to remain as
stagnant as the cesspools outside the local swamp.  We want to be
ourselves.. even if it kills us.  The problem is.. if we remain in this
attitude.. it will do just that.
     Now I'm not saying that all change is for the good.. but I am saying..
that absence of change in this world.. for the human being.. is always bad.
No human being, save Christ Himself, was perfect.  We all need to grow and
become who God wants us to be.  But how are we to overcome these years of
torment by peers demanding us to be this and thus and such? I say.. it's by
pulling as close to God as we possibly can.  
     You see.. if it truly is fact.. that God loves us.. and that God is the
exemplification of love.. as the Bible claims.. then we can trust in Him to
bring us to be what He wants us.  Not only that.. we can trust that He
always has our best at heart.. and wants only good for us.  He wants to
bring us to a realization of who He is and who we are in Him.. and part of
that process is letting go of anything we believe that is false -- as well
as letting go of any part of us that helps us misconceive the truth.  His
mission in our lives is to make us into the likeness of Christ.. His only
orders are for our benefit.. and though they may not always feel good.. they
will always lead towards our betterment.
     So.. where are we to go from here?  We may be able to trust in the fact
that God is love.. and that He always wants us to do what is best.. and
always wants what is best for us.. but what about being criticized -- when
should we accept it?
     Proverbs 12:1 tells us that the person who refuses rebuke is stupid.
This verse is something I try and keep an eye on.  For if we continually
refuse to listen to the voice of truth when it is reproving us and telling
us that we are wrong.. then we will become stagnant.. and lost.  God has our
best at heart.. yes.. we can trust that.. but how are we to know what is
from God and what isn't?  After all.. God isn't so easily measureable as the
length of your forearm.
     Most of us have seen the divisiveness that fills the church.  We are
encamped about by an enemy who knows our failings.. and uses them to the
best of his ability to destroy our perception of the truth.  After all... if
we don't know what is true.. how can we see?
     As this destruction of our perception continues.. he uses our own
heartfelt desires to turn ourselves on each other.. to make us stand for
"holy" crusades.. to destroy infidels.. to remove those who are in "the
wrong".. when we are the ones in the wrong as well.  The fact is.. not a
single Christian on the face of the planet has a perfect idea of what the
truth is.  Anybody who claims to.. is either a liar.. or very proud and
misled.  Not one of us knows all the truth.  So where is it to be found?
     The secret to finding the truth is actually rather simple -- yet it can
be rather painful too.  For in order to find it, we must be willing to
surrender all of our preconceived notions of the truth.. so that God can
show us what, in fact, is the *REAL TRUTH*.  This means abandoning our hold
on many things we may hold dear.. from personal convictions about certain
ideas.. all the way to personal strongholds based upon childhood triumphs
and experiences.  We as humans are emotional beings.. so we hold onto
heavily emotional experiences very tightly.  Yet truth is not about
emotion.. it is about fact.  And emotion often gets in the way of us knowing
the truth.. because we are so unwilling to let go of what we have "learned"
to be the truth through extreme pain.  Yet these "learned truths" are often
not truths at all.. but simply require so much surrender and humility to
learn the actual truth that we refuse -- and hold onto what we desire to be
the truth, in place of the real one.
     A prayer I am trying to use more often is the following:  "Lord, if
what I believe in this area is not from You.. utterly destroy its hold on
me.. and let me find the real truth which I seem to be missing.  Yet if this
*is* the truth, let me see it with a greater fervor than ever before.. and
champion for You with it on this world."  I find that if I am willing to ask
God to destroy my hold on the imperfect.. on falsity.. and help me embrace
that which is His truth.. actual and real.. then I grow even closer to Him
with each continued step I take.  I need to realize that, being human.. I
have failings which I need God to overcome.. and that I cannot do this
alone.  I am not perfect.. nor can I see clearly -- but God is.. and God
can.  And if I am willing to let Him use His perfected scalpel to remove all
the humanisitic holds I might have on false perceptions of the truth.. then
I will truly become all He has destined me to be.